synthetic zero


February 18, 2005

I was thinking about time today as I was chatting with Katharine Tillman about an essay she had written. I think I naturally think of time as nonlinear; when we remember things we jump around in time, and I actually feel my life that way: past and the future and the present all commingling and interpenetrating --- simultaneously there. Ironically, however, it is precisely when we become too focused on a time sequence of events, things moving methodically from past to present to future, on gaining an imagined future, that we also can lose touch with the immediate presence of the past and the future. We can trap ourselves in a fictitious present, a constructed now that consists of events as we imagine them to move, in sequence, according to plan. But this very insistence on a time sequence is what crushes the imagination, and, again ironically, our ability to concretely feel time as it is, to see that separation in space and time is in fact illusory.

As the Zen master Seung Sahn said, "Everyone believes that time and space exist! Ha ha ha ha! That's very funny!"

February 17, 2005

My problem has always been my tendency to overestimate how difficult something is going to be, and then, later, after things have gone well, to relax a bit too much, to start to have an opinion about my "talent" or "ability." Talent is a destructive myth.

February 14, 2005

Tonight, suddenly all these things came to me at once: meditation, martial arts, art, breath, words, non-words, life, magic, coincidence, shame, sex, death, stupidity, subtlety, physics, all connected together suddenly, tied together, surprisingly.  It all felt like: rushing past them it is easy to miss it all, busy.

I feel bursting, I feel like dying, I feel full, I feel worthless because I can't say all these things in me to people around me --- it's not pain but it's vast.  I feel gigantic and at the same time sheer, an unscalable cliff. It's frustrating yet I have to accept it, the impossibility of saying some things.

Hello Cthulhu.

February 2, 2005

I'm curating an experimental film screening tonight. Also, I will be having another event in March at my loft with performance and video as well.